Born to Lose

Quick Thoughts

I’m watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and realize the reason I like Josh is because he treats me like The Gang treats Dee. It’s not a perfect analogy but essentially the only way to make me feel appreciated is to so obviously berate me the audience has to know he’s not serious. Or he’s serious and I have deep emotional issues. Phffft. Why can’t both be true?

The difference is I’m not Kaitlyn Olson, I’m a troll. I’m a disgusting little creature that validates a whole host of people’s lives. That person at the bar you can say at least I’m not that crazy bitch. I’m kept on the fringes of social circles for the purposes of sex and tarot readings. I’m the one you talk to that night you’re trying something new. I’m someone it’s okay to make out with once and never think about again. It’s fine to casually discard me, obviously I don’t have any feelings.

Eternally a cliche, never a friend. I’m not sure if it’s the looks or the personality. Either way, I can’t win.

Stripes

Art, mur, Quick Thoughts

Knowing who I am doesn’t explain how I got here. Despite drastically different circumstances the same weaknesses keep me from progressing. How do I level up if I can’t find the next goal? Awkwardness isn’t terminal but ignorance might be. I wear red flags like a dress. Specifically to keep people at bay but also because my flaws are my best attributes. I’d rather be ignored than underestimated, if I have to choose. I manage myself better than anyone else can at this point. Continue reading Stripes →

It’s A Memphis Thang

Daily Life, Future Plans, mur, Quick Thoughts, Random, Rants, Reasons for Things

“There are only about 1,000 people in the world and 200 of them live in Seattle,” an aspiring writer says, sitting with arms crossed quite proud of his clever theory. “Yaaas!” I blurt, lighting up with joy. “I call it that Memphis thing! Y’know, the biggest small town syndrome,” I squeak with excitement.

My ebullience catches him off guard, “No!” Spitting the word at me, all elation lost on him.  “I hate that place,” he growls petulantly. Continue reading It’s A Memphis Thang →

Gratuity

Art, Daily Life, mur, Random, Stories

Surrounded by people that just lost their friend, I’m still waiting. In their mourning, the only important question to me is whether it was intentional. Death we can’t control happens every day and I can deal with that. Suicide feels less random and is much harder for me to process. Classic question, is there anything you could have done? For most people the answer is No. That’s the only solace. In this particular case, I don’t want to believe he died by choice. However, getting along with me is one of the warning signs for depression. I’m gracious to say I knew him for the short time I did.

Back to Basics

Art, Daily Life, First Impressions, mur, Random, Reasons for Things, Yoga

I have to change my habits if I plan to get any work done. Achieving what I came to do, I can reasonably support myself. Now the hard work begins. Getting here was fun and exciting and everything I did was brand fucking new. Now I’m working 7 days a week at two jobs and barely have time to see the few people that want to see me. Writing and yoga, my two real passions, fell by the wayside as my real-life stress increased. Cracks are forming at the seams between fantasy and reality and my need for balance is at critical levels. Continue reading Back to Basics →

Who’s Polly?

Daily Life, Future Plans, mur, Quick Thoughts, Rants, Reasons for Things

Non-monogamy is a way of life for some people. I’m still feeling it out, skeptical at the very least. Continue reading Who’s Polly? →

ROI

Daily Life, First Impressions, Future Plans, Large Events, mur, Quick Thoughts, Reasons for Things

$260 in tips on $800 in sales.

Just Being Myself

Art, Daily Life, First Impressions, mur, Rants, Stories

I know better than to engage with the regulars. Especially on a Sunday night when I’m just-off-work sober and cumulatively they’re eleventy sheets to the wind. Bar regulars subsist on a social hierarchy extrapolated from amount of time, money and drama spent there. Usually, only the employees appreciate exactly how the math works out. Earning a job in the Streamline kitchen is one of my more proud moments. It’s the kind of job you only get if you are accepted as part of a family. Getting a paycheck moves me into VIP status so subtle it almost looks like work. Fortunately, I come equipped with elbow grease. Continue reading Just Being Myself →

Isle of Dogs (No Spoilers)

Art, First Impressions, mur, Random

“Can I pet your dog,” asks a perfectly nice person.

“No,” I state unapologetically, “she bites.”

The thing I love most about Bette is that she took her job seriously. My dog the moment I looked her in the eye, we had a tacit agreement – I’ve got your back. The balance between us felt natural, no need for language. Continue reading Isle of Dogs (No Spoilers) →