There’s a classic line from Friends where the character Rachel is speaking with her supervisor and says, “Now just to brief you I may cry. But they are not tears of sadness or of anger but just of us having this discussion.” That pretty much sums up my fear of confrontation. I am not shy about speaking my mind but in professional environments I’ve been conditioned to keep quiet. Maybe to a fault. I’m often told that my manager isn’t aware of my wants or needs until it’s too late. In my mind I can’t imagine them NOT knowing something that seems so obvious and then I remember how stoic I seem to the uninformed observer. It’s like assuming a dog is happy because he’s wagging his tail.

I went into work on my day off to make sure my boss knows how I feel about washing dishes. I don’t hate it because washing dishes is easy. On a primal level it’s gratifying even. But with the new guy starting next week, I need to establish that I’m not “just the dishwasher”. It’s a subtle thing I was asking about but overall I need the guy in charge to know where I stand, I’m valuable and I know it. He was not warmly receptive of my plea but his words reflect what I want, which is me not being a dish bitch for the other cooks. As long as he’s not lying to me, things should work out. It took me 48 hours of building up to have that conversation without getting teary-eyed.

Crying in the kitchen is something I won’t do. I’ve been attempting to earn my place in commercial cooking for nearly 4 years and one thing I can assure you – misogyny is real. Whether they think I’m not going to lift things or I’m not willing to break a sweat, I use every opportunity to prove them wrong. I don’t balk at a challenge and I won’t ask someone else to do my dirty work. I’m there to do the job and I won’t feel good about myself if I don’t at least try. It turns out most things people don’t want to do are fairly easy tasks, just gross or tedious. Those flaws don’t get me down compared to the soul-crushing mundanity of office work. If I’m a mess, at least I’m a hard-working mess.

I’m not sure working in commercial kitchens will pan out long term. No matter how willing I am, the reality of 2am closes and male-dominated drinking culture prevents me from effectively being “one of the guys” anytime soon. It seems like there’s only ever room for one cool chick on staff and she’s always in the front of the house. In light of that I’m starting to contemplate future employment ideas. Someone planted an idea in my head about veterinary tech opportunities. While I support the never-go-back philosophy, this might be a rare exception. I was excellent as a veterinary assistant in my youth and the only thing that deterred me was underhanded work politics. How else could I be fired for a lack of empathy?

All of this notwithstanding, I’m content enough not to be looking for more. I’ll meet people and visit places, all without attachment or expectation. If I’m doing more yoga by the end of the year it will be an improvement. I’m not competing with the people around me. No matter their aims and intents, I’m just existing in the Eden I’ve made for myself. Me, my mutt and endless opportunity to do more. Making myself better isn’t conditional. At my experience level just existing is the only requirement. Don’t stop moving forward and remember it can always be worse. It that’s not optimism I don’t know what is.