You can’t tell me apart from the degenerates now. Sunken eyes, persistent cough, ratty clothes. I knew this was one of the side effects. When I woke up and discovered the cage of fear surrounding me I didn’t recognize my life. All of my values were designed to keep me pure and untainted. Staying pure has no end game. Took me too long to understand that. The company I keep reflects my worldview. I’d rather be broke and honest than rich and still living a lie. Continue reading Chapter 1
I’m less of an asshole when I’m stoned. If we are going to start segregating society into different slashtroverts with various social impairments can we at least agree not all the substances out there have consistent effects? I know when you get stoned it means you are stupid and silly. Being “stoned” has classic connotations that vary depending on your generation and cultural identity. I personally feel way more stoned on an opiate than cannabis. Some people take adderall to feel normal. Others take it because it’s an amphetamine. Vices exist in every corner of our psyche but are differently governed depending on your flavor of upbringing. Continue reading The Secret Cultural Disparity in America
My date last night was pleasant. He’s a persistent fellow. Kept in touch with me on Tinder for weeks, a notoriously inconsistent medium. Rewarding dedication, we met in person and chatted about all types of things. He let me ask questions about growing up in another culture and I talked intelligently about yoga with another human for the first time in months. His interest in me seems genuine, even if it’s misplaced. Overall the experience was a 5 of 10 – mainly because we were at the Mecca and that adds an automatic +2 to any situation. Continue reading A Nice Boy
Rule number one is Never Go Back and usually the easiest to follow. A rift in any relationship puts a wake between two people. Left to our own devices each party floats away in their own direction. Well, that would be the natural course of things if human egos and emotional dysfunction didn’t get in the way. We desperately paddle against the tides in an effort to control fate. Strong feelings are even harder to ignore when they are irrational. Not pursuing feelings so tangible I can taste them feels too much like doing nothing. In order to follow Rule #1, I have to stay looking forward even when I rather lose myself in someone’s eyes. Continue reading Rule #4
I knock so gently there’s barely a noise. I fiddle with the belt on my long jacket, a bulging knot of thread where seams meet is starting to fray. I notice things like that when I’m nervous. I kinda wish I’d taken a pain pill earlier. I’d be more relaxed but it’s been over 6 days since my last one. The longest I’ve gone this year is 14 days. That was back when I had a job and steady income. The pain started to seem worth it for once. I slept more, drank less. Felt like I finally had wind beneath my wings. I wasn’t prepared for my first summer job in a port city. Continue reading Good Neighbors
I finally have a bona fide home here in Seattle. I have enough pieces of furniture to invite someone to sit down in my apartment without having to show them the bed. I’ve yoga-ed my tiny little apartment into the most comfortable nest possible for me and/or my cat. I don’t require much personal space if it stays personal. This staging area is the little extra I need to feel secure in the face of company. I’m still living out of suitcases in the bedroom but what no one sees I can justifiably ignore for another 6 months. Continue reading Lay-Z-Girl
Someone in Seattle finally explained why every Indian man I’ve tried to go on a date with treats me oddly. To clarify, I am not discussing skin color – just heritage. Amazonian imports that hail from actual Asia. My empirical observations reveal a significant pattern. A certain flavor of sexism I haven’t been exposed to since my youth. An assumption about my behavior based on how I dress. Apparently, in Indian culture Americans are seen as promiscuous and slutty. My body type and personal confidence only accentuate the stereotype. Continue reading Racial Stereotype
I experienced 3 moments of pure pleasure on Tuesday afternoon. None of them took more than 20 minutes each. For nearly 2 weeks I’ve been frustrated and sick at my stomach with stress. Sinking into a morass of depression there are times I literally panicked, taking xanex for the first time in months. I kept getting one-two punches of disappointment and could feel myself spiraling away from solid ground. Repeating, “This too shall pass,” I focused on baby steps to keep moving forward. Tuesday night felt like coming up for air thanks to this particular trine of gratification hitting me like a perfect storm. In this order – I ate tacos, had sex, and took a crap. Continue reading Please Say It’s Over
When I feel this way I know I’m leaking energy. Something’s not right in my flow and to “go with it” is rough on me. Knowing my own body, heart, mind and soul it’s easy to feel foreign things creeping in under the carpet. Insinuating themselves into my psyche, speaking when not spoken to. Chips on my shoulder, curving inward, biting my skin. I was a Carrier. Now I’m a rock. No desire to move anymore. A foundation so solid I’m gathering moss. I can sense the parasites more easily now. Continue reading Parasitic