Compartments
with thin walls
Flowing together
into Mountains.
Safety in the hills.
Cells
of cardboard.
Keeping together
a body of work
Resting fetus-like
Waiting for enough
Gestation.
Rooms
in a row of homes.
More used the better
because I can’t
have nice things.
Durability makes
Antiques.
Cubicles
in a maze
with no cheese.
Footsore and weary
Limbs aching
Strained. FullRelaxation
Rare.
The most painful thing I’ve ever heard is a stranger’s casual observation. After pouring out my feelings of worthlessness and despair in group therapy a 22-year old states, “It sounds like you’re just playing the victim.”
I didn’t stop crying for 3 hours. He’d seen straight to my problem, in a way. I am a victim. Attempting to play as NOT a victim has colored most of my social behavior. I want to be perceived as strong and in my world that means not complaining.
A lifetime of trying to please other people conditioned me well. I can take a lot of abuse. Fighting every instinct to do things my way, I based my decisions on someone else’s moral compass. Selfish people are not good role models.
That is, the conservation of my self is my only defense. Just get through it. I found a number of allies along the way and my undying loyalty to friends preserved the most important people. I had to let myself go a little crazy just to break the carbonite encasing my inner artist. Now I’m leaking personality all over the place and have faith in the universe and everything. Go with the flow.
I’ll miss some things. Nothing that obvious. The truth is, I’m pretty spectacular. No one can make me feel otherwise unless I let them. Thanks Eleanor. Is rejecting an abusive matriarchy part of becoming a feminist? Maybe I’m just multitasking my recovery.
There were complaints about the way I’m doing things.
I silenced them.
The choices made are less permanent if you don’t worry about it.
Loyalty is only useful in small gatherings.
I guess I shouldn’t worry about it.
Plenty to go around at family meal time.
No swimming in the genetic pool for me.
No matter how much it matters to me.
Stung by a wasp.
Emotionally punched in the face.
The silence is a refuge
A place where I can’t abuse
even my self.
How dare you
Tell me what.
I do remember.
Paying attention this whole time.
Should I win an Oscar?
Or just
Suspended disbelief.
I know what I want.
Done apologizing.
Because eventually
it WILL kill me
to do it.
If it’s possible, I will get a series of strategic body piercings I’m able to attach clothing to. Then I will custom drape everything I wear based on my mood and the occasion.
If people hang themselves from hooks, this must already be a thing. Right?
In the face of change
I always come back
to love.
For better or worse
A thing I must need.
Commitment is a
4-letter word
Whenever I meet
someone special
Or a residency option
if it is all that bad.
I don’t want you
or the horse
even if
the ride is fun.
I can do better.
Even if you do
Write sonnets.
Patience, like a wall,
Enough built up
To protect Jerusalem
And Tibet
Freedom weighing
Against liberty
We all gots to work.
No one’s watching
Let’s dance.
Living in the present is contradicted when working a day job. Some of us are lucky to find moderately fulfilling employment early on. Alas, no matter how great the situation, it’s still work. I’m sure there are days when even the Crocodile Hunter wanted to just sleep in. The goal isn’t a job to love. It’s finding a purpose that isn’t simultaneously soul-crushing. Continue reading I Just Work Here
In seventh grade, I sprouted breasts. In the eighth grade, the most eligible boy in my class wanted to go steady with me. I was so excited. My mom and I didn’t relate on much so the scoring of high quality boy attention was prime pre-Prime Time TV conversation.
Mom, can I go to the movies this weekend?
Who with?
Lou.
Lou?
Yeah.
Oh, honey.
What?
You can’t go out with him.
Why not?
You’ll give Pappy a heart attack.
Smoking isn’t that big of a deal.
I often sit in an empty bar and wonder how much fuss I’d cause taking a puff off my one-hitter. Chances are the staff smokes too. No one else would know. The smell doesn’t stick. It even leaves a pleasant lingering hint that something calming happened here. Like your grandparents house. Continue reading Truth Is
Screaming
Past me
No concept
The beat
Systolic
Moving through
rush. Lust.
My mind
Fucks me
better than you do.
Kept in the middle
Always eager.
Put together.
Get it or leave it.
Perspection.
Not everyone
needs a reason.
Not one has
a good excuse.
Human Nature.