Category Archives: October 2015

Egos & Heros

The party is kind of lame. I know why and can’t say I expected different. I showed up for appearances and stayed for the show. Though wearing my tits-on-a-platter garners less notice each year, it’s still the best method of avoiding eye contact with strangers I’ve found yet.

Doing the rounds, I find myself sitting outside smoking at the side entrance. The wristband theater alone makes it a great seat. The award for Most Patience on South Main goes to man on the door next to me. The way he carries himself is a testament to not giving a fuck about it.

Everyone cycles past, as they’re aught to do. I stay still enjoying the soft glow of my shields, perpetually warding off the unfamiliar. Some pretty faces stop. Then they go. I just sit and think of Michelangelo.

A clown stopped by. He and his tall friend made quite the entertaining pair. Impressed I decided to stare. I saw under the mask a dark indifference tinged with whimsy. The best attention I get is often unsolicited.

Slouching home with no burden left to bear. Pawing my emotions like spiderwebs in a tomb. He takes joy in my lack of composure. Enlarged heads all around. I know what I want. I’m coming to peace with not having it. But I won’t hide the desire in my face.

Depression

I hate the condescending nature of anti-depressant commercials. Most of them have somber-looking middle age white women with plaintive eyes reciting “depression is serious medical condition”. Then a soft, nurturing male voice calmly explains that these pills will balance your brain juices so you don’t feel tired or stressed out anymore.

It’s okay. This is something you can’t change.
It’s out of your control. Take these.
It’s like a diabetic taking insulin. Nothing to be ashamed of.
Soon you’ll be normal. Everyone will like you.  Continue reading Depression

Raise the Bar

You don’t see me
Over here silently
Waiting for a chance
Maybe to pounce
Ready to bounce
Find a place to dance

My voice not heard
Gluttonous herd
Ever encroaching swell
Egotistical horizon
Only visible to some
Provide stories to tell

A seat at the bar
Lest I feel bizarre
Caught in a stare
Tolerating smoke
Accepting of folk
Drowning in care

Taste in a touch
Wanted so much
I wonder if you’re real
No need to check
What to expect
Our unspoken deal

Urges build inside
Desires stoutly denied
Pains remain unlearned
Enjoy simply the urge
Slowly building courage
Best rewards as yet earned

XCOM 1.5

XCOM: Enemy Unknown is something I only noticed vicariously.  I got more excited about Starcraft II and the Tomb Raider reboots.  I also picked up Civilization V around 2012, another addiction of mine.  My husband-at-the-time kept trying to tell me how much I’d like the XCOM games but it wasn’t until I met Jerry at PAX this past September that I took any notice of the game.  The very next weekend it was on sale for a pittance and I indulged myself with a new vidyah game.  At this point I enjoy XCOM: Enemy Within more than Terraria… where I’ve logged 400+ hours with no regret.  Continue reading XCOM 1.5

Coming Out

I announced to a room full of strangers that I’m now a bisexual. Despite the flippant nature of my storytelling, I’ve wrestled with my attraction to women for quite a long time. Around 26 I figured that if I’m attracted to women, I would have noticed by then. So I wrote off my few trysts with girls as an occasional indulgence, like country music – fun sometimes, but nothing I’d introduce to my friends.

That was all before Carly.  Last week I fell into an impromptu Cards Against Humanity game.  Not my usual cup of tea, I joined a table of friends and strangers to whittle my time free time away.  My friend Tiffany is exceptional at inviting new people to join our reindeer games, so the starting table was me, Tiff, Tyler, Daniel, Bobby and six girls in their early 20s.  I expected some interesting results between the two factions.

The six girls introduced themselves.  All I distinctly remember is Amber, Carly, Jennifer (Jessica) and three other names that end in I’s or Y’s.  They were there to go see the 3rd Eye Blind concert across the street.  I’m still not sure what genre of music that is.  Judging by these girls, it’s not something I’d wait in line for.  Regardless, they established a reason to leave before even sitting down.  I didn’t expect a single one of them to last longer than 5 minutes.

The game started and each hand was met with varying results.  For those that don’t know, CAH is a game where one person reads a phrase and everyone submits an answer to finish the thought.  The person with the phrase then chooses the best answer.  Some cards are really gross or offensive while others could be logical answers to the phrase.  The chooser’s sense of humor has a real effect on the game and who “wins” each round.

My sense of humor tends toward the incredibly dark, so I especially expected this group of women to cringe at my choices.  Little did I know, the females at my table are more than they seem.  Carly and the friend next to her not only appreciated my humor but also chose my answers as the best.  I’m as shocked as you are.

You see, Carly is a thin, 21-year old blonde chick with a beautiful face and sexy curves.  She, and her friends, are a spitting image of the girls I went to high school with.  She looks like someone that just pledged a sorority as a legacy.  This gorgeous woman that could have her pick of the litter made it clear to everybody that her choice was me.  She repeatedly dropped hints that she’s a lesbian and that I’m her type.

I was so shocked I couldn’t speak.  I blushed and giggled and whispered to Tiffany how much I wanted to go for it.  I’d never had a woman that looks like THAT show interest in ME.  My entire stance on sexuality was challenged by the hot blonde sitting across the table.  At some point, we even devolved into to a game of Truth or Dare where Tiffany dared me to kiss her.

She was ready before I was.  Without even thinking my tongue was in her mouth and hers in mine.  I put my hand behind her head and immediately realized why anyone would ever want long hair.  She smelled like an exotic flower and tasted like spring water.  I would have kept going if she hadn’t stopped.  Deep in my chest I felt that spark that makes me want more.  I recognized a part of me that wanted to take her behind closed doors and do what it takes to make her moan.  I’m pretty certain she could reciprocate.

In the world today, I know it’s not a big deal for one girl to kiss another.  But in my world, where I’ve been consistently abused by the women I get anywhere close to – this is earth-shaking.  I can confidently admit to myself (and anyone that asks) that I’m attracted to women.  Apparently, I’m just very picky.

Fluffing white drapes one last time, Bridget’s eyes dart around the room searching for any flaws.  First impression is everything.  The Cognoscenti only visit a gallery once.  She has waited for this night her whole life.

Mrs Claus

For the record – I just rocked a sexy Mrs. Claus outfit at the PnH for the SVU video shoot.

I was dubbed a slutty 1996 Holiday Barbie.

This might be the greatest day of my life.

My Voice

Sharing water is harder than you would think.  Continue reading My Voice

Discovery: Kquvien Deweese Workshop Oct 16-18

This weekend, about two dozen yogis descended upon Evergreen Yoga Center to share a workshop with the indomitable Kquvien Deweese.  I usually have a few anxiety demons circling my head before any major workshop.  Going into 10+ hours of yoga class with a new teacher is nerve-wracking.  Iyengar yoga teachers can take any form and I’m a sensitive person.  However, this is my second experience learning from Kquvien.  Continue reading Discovery: Kquvien Deweese Workshop Oct 16-18