A few small bitters in my tea but overall it’s a sweet brew. That’s all I can say about my time working on Capitol Hill.

At 1,000 cumulative entries I’ve reached critical mass. Progress easily measured, if I hit Publish… tonight 72% of my articles are as such. My greatest fear at the beginning was not posting enough. The hours invested in that first year had more to do with learning to ignore people than anything I actually cranked out. The project was getting things done in public, my hobby was putting sentences together. I wanted to quash the part of me that never left the house. Following the path blindly, all I knew for sure is I was going in the right direction.

At this point, the goal has become actually expressing how I feel. As an introvert, I refuse to accept social anxiety as a default setting. It took a long while to discover the boundaries between sensitivity and isolation. Raised by a generation valued for their insecurity, I’m crippled by heightened self-awareness. Also suffering from severe empathy, it often takes concentrated energy to keep other peoples’ emotions at bay. For the longest time, I tried to be everything for everyone with no thought for myself. Now I focus on being mostly invisible.

Personally, I don’t mind being a pariah. It’s better than being a whiny bitch. I do the things I consider best, even if it’s hard. Softening my approach at this point is social suicide. Where do I fit in between the young, hopeful singletons and the matriarchal couplettes? I’ve felt the wisdom and security of a good relationship and hope to find more in the future. It’s easier to figure things out when you aren’t constantly worried about your six. Unfortunately, the person/people I’m interested in rarely reciprocate.

Given an idea, I like to slowly work out the possibilities in a decently controlled environment. Too many of my early years were spent giving in to immediate lust, drinking passion and recklessness like happy hour specials. I still want that fiery connection with people and have trouble finding a middle ground. I’m not closed off to love but also know it takes work from both parties. I have to navigate the idea of seeing someone enough to feel rapport while not getting overwhelmed with desire. It feels like I’m still moving in the right direction so I don’t expect to be alone forever.