You are not special.
No one cares what you think or how you feel.
Your goals are silly and unimportant.
Having children is common
Talking more does not increase your personal worth.
Money only provides security, not success.
Clothes are a waste of time.
If you want to invest in long term relationships become someone that you want to be alone with.
I want to go sit cross-legged in the middle of the music.
Capture the brilliance with a thousand words.
A thing observed, changes.
Women are taught to observe themselves monthly.
Men don’t look until something goes wrong.
Yoga helps no matter what.
I took a picture. I like it a lot.
I didn’t get to see the Little Mermaid in theaters. My mom was an asshole and I got kicked out of the car. I’m sure she remembers it differently, but I’m telling this story. #survivor
Actually, from what I know of spoiled 8-year old children – I was most certainly the asshole. Or is that Stockholm syndrome talking? I’ve always been partial to the Nordic types.
If it’s polite to uncomfortably ignore social impropriety I don’t want to be around polite people. I’d rather you make me cry than ignore me. Might just find out I don’t really give a shit what you think.
The only good thing about my wasted potential is how much vim I have to enjoy my life now.
I’m throwing my own birthday party this year. Sunday September 6 @ the P&H. Come celebrate the impending end of Summer by rocking your face off with great local music. 5$ cover – Be Nice Or Leave. Continue reading Puh Arty
Seeking comfort in solitude is like
Relaxing in a swamp. Sinking into
The universal spirit only few
Share openly. Mind an unwinding spike
Enjoying oneness amid Nature’s Reich
Beautiful insignificant breakthrough.
Super and the ego open anew
The id savoring a odd hunger strike.
Eyes open, lying awake, still in bed
Hand inattentively petting the cat.
Letting thoughts pool at the back of my head.
Less often contemplated on my back
Loneliness is shared by a common thread
Commonly woven through a welcome mat.
Compartments
with thin walls
Flowing together
into Mountains.
Safety in the hills.
Cells
of cardboard.
Keeping together
a body of work
Resting fetus-like
Waiting for enough
Gestation.
Rooms
in a row of homes.
More used the better
because I can’t
have nice things.
Durability makes
Antiques.
Cubicles
in a maze
with no cheese.
Footsore and weary
Limbs aching
Strained. FullRelaxation
Rare.
The most painful thing I’ve ever heard is a stranger’s casual observation. After pouring out my feelings of worthlessness and despair in group therapy a 22-year old states, “It sounds like you’re just playing the victim.”
I didn’t stop crying for 3 hours. He’d seen straight to my problem, in a way. I am a victim. Attempting to play as NOT a victim has colored most of my social behavior. I want to be perceived as strong and in my world that means not complaining.
A lifetime of trying to please other people conditioned me well. I can take a lot of abuse. Fighting every instinct to do things my way, I based my decisions on someone else’s moral compass. Selfish people are not good role models.
That is, the conservation of my self is my only defense. Just get through it. I found a number of allies along the way and my undying loyalty to friends preserved the most important people. I had to let myself go a little crazy just to break the carbonite encasing my inner artist. Now I’m leaking personality all over the place and have faith in the universe and everything. Go with the flow.
I’ll miss some things. Nothing that obvious. The truth is, I’m pretty spectacular. No one can make me feel otherwise unless I let them. Thanks Eleanor. Is rejecting an abusive matriarchy part of becoming a feminist? Maybe I’m just multitasking my recovery.
There were complaints about the way I’m doing things.
I silenced them.
The choices made are less permanent if you don’t worry about it.
Loyalty is only useful in small gatherings.
I guess I shouldn’t worry about it.
Plenty to go around at family meal time.
No swimming in the genetic pool for me.
No matter how much it matters to me.
Stung by a wasp.
Emotionally punched in the face.
The silence is a refuge
A place where I can’t abuse
even my self.
How dare you
Tell me what.
I do remember.
Paying attention this whole time.
Should I win an Oscar?
Or just
Suspended disbelief.
I know what I want.
Done apologizing.
Because eventually
it WILL kill me
to do it.