My concerted effort to stay single in 2016 was wildly successful. So successful in fact it looks like I’ll stay single for the rest of my life. I’ve forgotten what it feels like be casually affectionate. Can’t even seem to pet my cat right these days. I had a dream last night in a strange house where I neither lived or belonged. While visiting I found a little white puppy, 6-8 weeks old, a white color similar to false teeth and very happy to know me in particular. I asked if I could take the pup home and they said yes. I went down to my car to make sure I could get there with my new companion.

When I came back there were dozens of puppies everywhere. Different colors, sizes, ages and furs. No matter where I looked, I couldn’t find mine. Every time I thought I did it was a slightly different puppy. People tried to help me look and each time they were close but it wasn’t him. Friends tried to tell me to just choose a new puppy – there were plenty of cute, cuddly creatures to choose from. The difference is, my puppy wants to be with me as much as I want them. It’s a love you can feel, deep in your soul. The dogs in my life are how I know souls exist. This was one dream during a fitful night of sleep. It seems fairly obvious what my subconscious is worried about but I’m no expert.

I think I want to know there’s someone thinking about me when I’m not there. I’m not so co-dependent I need to validate myself by their opinion but I miss being wanted by someone I respect. Admirers still desire me from time to time. I take all interest with a grain of salt because vampires love to sniff me out. Anyone I’ve shown amorous inclination toward tends to back away slowly. As is consistent with my 20s, most people I’m interested in want different things than I’m able to provide. The difference now is that I don’t take it personally.

Any real friends I’ve made keep me at a distinct arm’s length, especially when I’m lonely. Euphemistically lonely. The people I’m friends with aren’t sexually interested in me. That’s the rub. People attracted to my mind do NOT want to get involved with my body. The ones that want my body typically just ignore my mind. The only individuals that defy these principles are people already established in long-term loving commitments with someone else. That doesn’t nullify their love of me and I appreciate the attention I get. I also know that my ranking in the pack will never be high enough for my liking. I’m not in the business of usurping another’s good fortune.

It’s time to close up shop and move into a different business. I’m not giving up on love so much as dropping my romantic mantel. I believe true love exists. I’m entertaining the possibility that I’ve already had it. Bittersweet but not as poignant as you think. True Love is only one of the relationships I want to cultivate my life. I still have room for a platonic best friend, earth-shattering romance, unrequited love and trusted business partner. Limiting myself to one expression of appreciation is what made me feel isolated. Now I can can live alone comfortably, only sharing space when I want to.