Category Archives: Book

Hype

Making friends is weary business. Not my strong suit, I have two basic approaches. The first is just getting along right off the bat. Some special humans bypass all my shields and walls to meet me directly. In that rarefied time I usually embrace the connection and do what I can to make it last. Unfortunately, this immediate empathy often scares the other party off. Either they don’t feel it or worse, reject knowing me. I come on a bit strong for people that make friends easily. My fierce loyalty is a blessing and a curse. Continue reading Hype

Suicidal

One statistic I read said that people who talk about committing suicide are less likely to do it. Successfully, at least. This was after Wade died and I made a vow to not be one of those vapid, narcissistic assholes that brings up suicide every time emotions run high. I did enough of that as an early teenager to last forever. I’d scream at the top of my lungs about unfairness and how much I wanted to kill myself. I probably really felt that way at the time. Back then, I felt everything to such a high degree I can’t remember what’s real sometimes. Continue reading Suicidal

Nothing Left

This time last week, I was celebrating my chance to work at a company I love. Today I was told having marijuana in my system makes me ineligible to work. I knew this ahead of time. That’s why I used a system cleanse to flush myself out before peeing in a cup. This method has worked for me before. Many times. Apparently 1 out of 4 is the statistic I needed to watch out for.  Continue reading Nothing Left

Liquid Truth

It’s not complacency, accepting the truth. Knowing what reality looks like is a sound business strategy. It means accepting the good with the bad. You can’t have everything so measure what you need. There are truths that will change during your lifetime. If you really want the unceasing flow of change to move in your direction, fight realities that aren’t solid yet. Don’t lament the unchangeable. Even that will change eventually, just not at a pace you can work with. Continue reading Liquid Truth

Are You Flirting With Me?

Who else hears Juliette Lewis’s voice from Natural Born Killers every time they hear that phrase? Continue reading Are You Flirting With Me?

Wham, Bam, Thank You Sir.

Driving east, I’m oddly at ease. Bryan is the most honest man I’ve ever met and he’s in his element on a night like this. Confidence soothes my nerves. I have every right be apprehensive. As transformative moments go, this party has potential to make the Top 5. Not that I keep track of that sort of thing. (Puberty, Yoga, Prozac, Storytelling, Driving alone across America – if you do keep track of that sort of thing.) Tonight is a friendly gathering of kinksters at my leather daddy’s house. Four days ago I texted Marten, “If you wanna tie me up Saturday night and make me a party favor for select guests it would make my weekend ;-)”  Continue reading Wham, Bam, Thank You Sir.

My Kind of Crazy

Most people don’t know. Why should they? I don’t know if someone has lupus or diabetes. They are going about their day with the same struggles I endure, just in their own timeline. I don’t know what their pain looks like and I do my best not to judge their reaction to it. It’s the Golden Rule – treat other peoples’ realities with the same respect you want them to show yours. We are all the same.

In my world there is a strict bullshit threshold. I can only take so much from one person before I have to Be Nice or Leave. Self-awareness comes with the risk of being called out. We are all flawed and eventually it gets us in trouble. I embraced my shadow self and found more substance there than my parents ever cultivated. I have learned that being myself is harder than pleasing other people. So far, the benefits vastly outweigh the struggle.

It gets easier. Telling the truth is a tough habit to break once you get rolling. Freeing up all that space in your head that used to care what people think leads to extensive personal growth. Inherently painful, I decided to lean into it. If it’s going to hurt might as well get the most I can out of the pain. Holding the reigns of my fate for the first time, I plunged straight to the heart of my troubles. I asked for help from a therapist. I started taking medication.

 

Chapter 1

You can’t tell me apart from the degenerates now. Sunken eyes, persistent cough, ratty clothes. I knew this was one of the side effects. When I woke up and discovered the cage of fear surrounding me I didn’t recognize my life. All of my values were designed to keep me pure and untainted. Staying pure has no end game. Took me too long to understand that. The company I keep reflects my worldview. I’d rather be broke and honest than rich and still living a lie.  Continue reading Chapter 1

Knowing Better Now

I could just end it here. There’s no one invested in the story and certainly no time wasted on its telling. All of the praise is honorary, whenever I happen in front of anyone pretending to care. I’m a decent lay and an even better friend but the upkeep cost is too high. I can barely make it even when I ask for help. Going further down the spiral I find myself in a situation as unbearable as I left. I don’t have anyone checking to see if I’m still here, so why stay? Continue reading Knowing Better Now