I don’t have time to write down the things I want to say but one thing is certain, breaking my heart open has yielded a pinata’s worth of emotions. Echoing the rejection I faced for years in my hometown, the person-I-could-have-been in Seattle summarily rejected me this week. Neither path approves of my life choices. Can’t say I blame them. I’m not a model of responsibility and I don’t live for the objects around me. I gave up security in order to carve a chunk out of this world before I go. In the end all we have is the people who love us. I plan to maximize that number in the time I have left.

An unexpected hug and time with my gay friends sped up the healing process. Today, I made an appointment to get my IUD replaced. It’s been part of me for 10 years this August and doctors don’t recommend relationships longer than that. That little bastard is a copper-based miracle that gave me something hormonal birth control never could. A world where my body isn’t betraying me and sex isn’t dangerous. The first of many therapeutic steps I took toward recovering my identity back in the mid-2000s, it’s caused almost as much pain as joy overall. It was a newish birth control option and they hadn’t worked out best practices yet.

I insisted on the device. My doctor discouraged an IUD for a woman that hasn’t been pregnant. I stoically confess to my recent abortion and looked her in the eye saying, “I never want to experience that again.” I can’t tell if her tight lips express a personal judgement. Regardless, we all know where my family stands on that sort of issue and her judgement is the least of my worries. Dr. Patterson acquiesces to my desired form of birth control and we make an appointment. I have two choices at the time, Paragard or Merina. I choose the one that offered a payment plan and lasts twice as long. Health insurance didn’t cover the equipment back in 2007.

In 2017, WA state is willing to subsidize the entire thing while thanking me for using responsible birth control. What a difference a decade and 1200 miles makes. I am still certain having children is irresponsible, for me. I’m gonna sign up for at least 5 more years of childlessness and hope hysterectomies are fully covered in 2022. I want to make the world a better place but I couldn’t bear cursing another with my particular deficiencies.  I get by and have full faith my efforts aren’t wasted. Adopted families are generally better in my experience anyway.