Category Archives: P & H Cafe

Everywhere Is the Same

Last night was a perfect night. Good music, good friends and a room full of beautiful people. Makes me wonder why I left. Except I know the same fun surrounding me last night is also in Seattle. I spent most of the night listening to music and hanging out alone. I can do that just about anywhere. I’m not sure the music will be as good in the PNW places I find but that’s just because Memphis has spoiled me.

I asked a boy in Portland if the city has any blues or soul music. He said, “Sure we have blues but not really any soul – mainly because we’re all white!” He was attempting a bad joke but I find it very telling. I’m lily white and yet I know what soul is. For all the progressive outlooks in the area there are clearly some cultural gaps in my new home. Maybe it’s part of my job to help rectify that.

Roach Hell

I did it. I broke the seal on my savings account and started the inevitable outward flow of liquidity. It’s in exchange for the momentum to head west. I’m comfortable where I am. I like the people and things in my life. I’m settled in a way I’ve never known before. If it wasn’t for all the hard work past me put into this Seattle thing I could be tempted to stay. Sitting comfortably on my pile of savings, watching it trickle away.

So I sent the deposit check and won’t think about it again till I’m there. Just how I planned my wedding. This is the closest to seizing the day I can get. I’m still in shock. I have a permanent grin and everything is brighter. I am already moving, ever so slowly, and more perceptive people can tell. I’m known for disappearing but I don’t know how anyone could miss this train. I’ll be pulling out of the station for at least 3 weeks.

A month ago, I started treating every time I see someone like it could be the last. I might never stop doing that.

Creeping Sadness

Words and feelings seeping out at angles painful to watch.
Emblazoned across the sky for all the moon to see
Not full until she says we can stop
Fulfillment is not something you can buy

Craven, small boys below the bed, sleeping on mattresses from the floor.  The floor of where is the question.  Location location location.  The locomotion of crazy makes a train-ride out of the city hard to ignore.  Confetti and silly string is not punk rock, but then again I’m a sap.

I had a pain in my shoulder I can keep off my back with one more reason to go down.  Down town to the place where Leroy brown might be found on the ground.  A pound can be the puppy or flesh.  Ragged, swelling at the sight of blood all over your cock.  You don’t mind.  You don’t know.

Better to skip the holiday party, in my experience.
Watching the movie is another way to buy into the hype.

 

Unfiltered

Heavy and sweet
Syruping my throat
Bubbling my words
I croak with the effort
Attempting to make
An eloquent scene
Matching the feeling
My heart exudes
Chances to stare
Chalked up to cliche
Advantage, honor code.

The most glaring gaps
Are the simplest thing
Moments not shared
Sushi not eaten.
Shows not binged
Impulses not rewarded.
What hurts run deeper.
Habits accounted for
Mutually budgeted time
Comfortable ideologies
Pets only we share.

I consume less alone.
An unforeseen loss
Interest in longevity.
Lies always exist
Worming around corpses
Of first impressions.
Creating space inside
Filled with love, or pride.
Glaring ego glimmering
Over a tundra of feelings.
Freedom and expression
Can be mutually exclusive.

Racism

In vocational school I spent some time training at The Med. On my first day, Tanya and I were walking back from the ED (Emergency Department) where we’d dropped off a patient. A man and his wife came rushing up to me and asked where he should go to find his family member. I immediately ceded the floor to the employee standing right next to me.

They stood there, mouths agape, unable to make words. Why the hesitation? My confusion cleared up when I saw the look on Tanya’s face. Pursed lips and the dead-eyed determined glaze of a woman dealing with idiots. Just then a young man in a long white coat rushes up to the couple with that comforting sense that he’d been looking for them all along. The triad frantically wanders off and we keep walking.

I looked at Tanya and she looked at me. “You saw that, didn’t you?”

I cast my eyes down, “Yeah,” I sigh, “It’s what I think it was?”

“Yep.”

Taphephobia

The task is 1000 words.  Five down nine hundred ninety left.  Continue reading Taphephobia

Liability Coverage

Three crazy days draped in haze
Foggy memories, litter the roads
Masquerades and monsters’ ball
Selfish shindig shoveling dirt on egos
Alone in the corner, content with my lot
Socialites strained through indifference
Weep and wail, stone faced security
Seeking reparations for years not lived
Same age as a car my father owned
Resale value is relative. I’m a classic.
Hurtling down hills caked in obstacles
No insurance for the worst case.

Continue reading Liability Coverage

Raise the Bar

You don’t see me
Over here silently
Waiting for a chance
Maybe to pounce
Ready to bounce
Find a place to dance

My voice not heard
Gluttonous herd
Ever encroaching swell
Egotistical horizon
Only visible to some
Provide stories to tell

A seat at the bar
Lest I feel bizarre
Caught in a stare
Tolerating smoke
Accepting of folk
Drowning in care

Taste in a touch
Wanted so much
I wonder if you’re real
No need to check
What to expect
Our unspoken deal

Urges build inside
Desires stoutly denied
Pains remain unlearned
Enjoy simply the urge
Slowly building courage
Best rewards as yet earned

Coming Out

I announced to a room full of strangers that I’m now a bisexual. Despite the flippant nature of my storytelling, I’ve wrestled with my attraction to women for quite a long time. Around 26 I figured that if I’m attracted to women, I would have noticed by then. So I wrote off my few trysts with girls as an occasional indulgence, like country music – fun sometimes, but nothing I’d introduce to my friends.

That was all before Carly.  Last week I fell into an impromptu Cards Against Humanity game.  Not my usual cup of tea, I joined a table of friends and strangers to whittle my time free time away.  My friend Tiffany is exceptional at inviting new people to join our reindeer games, so the starting table was me, Tiff, Tyler, Daniel, Bobby and six girls in their early 20s.  I expected some interesting results between the two factions.

The six girls introduced themselves.  All I distinctly remember is Amber, Carly, Jennifer (Jessica) and three other names that end in I’s or Y’s.  They were there to go see the 3rd Eye Blind concert across the street.  I’m still not sure what genre of music that is.  Judging by these girls, it’s not something I’d wait in line for.  Regardless, they established a reason to leave before even sitting down.  I didn’t expect a single one of them to last longer than 5 minutes.

The game started and each hand was met with varying results.  For those that don’t know, CAH is a game where one person reads a phrase and everyone submits an answer to finish the thought.  The person with the phrase then chooses the best answer.  Some cards are really gross or offensive while others could be logical answers to the phrase.  The chooser’s sense of humor has a real effect on the game and who “wins” each round.

My sense of humor tends toward the incredibly dark, so I especially expected this group of women to cringe at my choices.  Little did I know, the females at my table are more than they seem.  Carly and the friend next to her not only appreciated my humor but also chose my answers as the best.  I’m as shocked as you are.

You see, Carly is a thin, 21-year old blonde chick with a beautiful face and sexy curves.  She, and her friends, are a spitting image of the girls I went to high school with.  She looks like someone that just pledged a sorority as a legacy.  This gorgeous woman that could have her pick of the litter made it clear to everybody that her choice was me.  She repeatedly dropped hints that she’s a lesbian and that I’m her type.

I was so shocked I couldn’t speak.  I blushed and giggled and whispered to Tiffany how much I wanted to go for it.  I’d never had a woman that looks like THAT show interest in ME.  My entire stance on sexuality was challenged by the hot blonde sitting across the table.  At some point, we even devolved into to a game of Truth or Dare where Tiffany dared me to kiss her.

She was ready before I was.  Without even thinking my tongue was in her mouth and hers in mine.  I put my hand behind her head and immediately realized why anyone would ever want long hair.  She smelled like an exotic flower and tasted like spring water.  I would have kept going if she hadn’t stopped.  Deep in my chest I felt that spark that makes me want more.  I recognized a part of me that wanted to take her behind closed doors and do what it takes to make her moan.  I’m pretty certain she could reciprocate.

In the world today, I know it’s not a big deal for one girl to kiss another.  But in my world, where I’ve been consistently abused by the women I get anywhere close to – this is earth-shaking.  I can confidently admit to myself (and anyone that asks) that I’m attracted to women.  Apparently, I’m just very picky.